Welcome! Beinvenu! Willkommen! Mach schnell! Spritzen auf mich!

Here at the First National Church of Lovely Jesus we realise that followers of our Lord's teachings often have busy lives and there simply isn't enough time in the day to praise our Lord and get on with the important things in life like making money, browsing the internet and going on holiday. That's why we at the First National Church of Lovely Jesus have taken a solemn vow to praise Him and all his great works on your behalf, giving you time to spend with your family, co-workers and still bring joy and love to His great creation.

But won't God hate me if I don't pray to Him?

No way buddy! God knows you're busy and believe me, He understands! If you're busy working or watching television or playing on your Wiintendo PSBox then God doesn't expect you to starting singing hymns and praying. He wants you to enjoy yourself! Just find time for God when it suits you! And that's where the First National Church of Lovely Jesus can help you!

We do your praising for you!

Check out this guy. You might think that he's just sitting in front of the TV, relaxing and enjoying an episode of Hollyoaks while he drinks a nice cup of Nescafe. But look closer. This guy is a member of the First National Church of Lovely Jesus and he's praising Jesus right now!

By giving just a few dollars a month from his paycheck, he's literally buying a place in heaven by ensuring that our congregation pray extra-hard on his behalf. So while he enjoys some quality time with his widescreen TV, we're here at the First National Church of Lovely Jesus doing all that time-consuming praising and singing for him - he never even has to go to church!

A word from our founder

Father Gonad O'Trophin, founder of the First National Church of Lovely Jesus writes:

Deeply beloved ... I was born in a run-down tin bucket on a farm in Semensville County, Arizona where my father was a horsecropper and my mother did favours for sailors in order to make ends meet. Even though we were too poor to afford cars like the gleaming Hagen-Daaz Coupé I drive today, we always made time to care for the poor brown kids and spastics and we sure looked after all my incontinent relatives when their brains went funny and they started soiling themselves on a regular basis. If you can't find it in your hearts and wallets to join the First National Church of Lovely Jesus then thousands of honest hard-working American taxpayers will spend eternity in the fires of Hell where they all belong.

Love and kisses,
Rev Dr Gonad O'Trophin Phd.

Some of our success stories

Brother Nigel Zincteats was a wretched sinnner, addicted to crack cocaine and a hopeless masturbator before his life was transformed by the First National Church of Lovely Jesus.

"I couldn't stop masturbating and taking drugs" says brother Nigel. "My whole life revolved around masturbating and taking drugs. When I wasn't masturbating I'd take drugs until it was time for me to masturbate again. Then I'd masturbate until I passed out and when I woke up I'd take some drugs and start masturbating".

After a spell in hospital recovering from severe right-side muscle strains and temporary blindness, Nigel Zincteats turned his life aroud. As he says, "Now I masturbate less than five or eight times a day! And now I only use cocaine at weekends or if I'm out with friends or really bored. Thank you Father Gonad O'Trophin!"

Sister Jacqueline Smegma was captured by the church during a fact-finding mission to Chorlton Street Bus Station in Manchester England.

"I was working as a waitress in a cocktail bar when I met you" she explains. "Then last Christmas I gave you my heart. It's a hard knock life. But my hips don't lie."

Wise words indeed. Sister Jacqeline is now fully disease-free and is saving up for her mother's eye operation by working as an outreach worker in Portsmouth docks.

Sister Dolores Gibbonsposture was convicted of grand larceny and assault with a deadly weapon in 1985 and sentenced to seventeen years penal servitude with hard labour. She heard of the works of Father Gonad O'Trophin from her cellmate and on her release became a campaigner for Truth, Justice and the American Way.

Despite being over 90 years old, Dolores has become a tireless advocate of whatever it is the church stands for. "Im eighty-seven years old" she tells us. "And I still have all my own teeth".

UPDATE: The First National Church of Lovely Jesus are keen to trace the whereabouts of Miss Gibbonsposture as she has not been seen for three weeks. If anyone has information about her whereabouts or has seen a large safe deposit box marked "September Salaries" please contact us immediately.

Wayne Campilobacter was living in a dumpster outside Aldi in Norwich when he found Lovely Jesus™. Despite his appalling skin diseases and overpowering body odour, Wayne was welcomed into the church and is now working as a highly-respected VBA programmer.

"I've stopped shagging my sister!" Wayne proudly told us "and I'm saving up to pay for her abortion if the baby tests positive for ginger!"

Wayne's skin diseases are now in remission and he has stopped selling his bottom to high court judges for crack money.

Sounds great! How do I join?

It's easy! Just tell us a few details about yourself and we'll mail you our full information pack with details of how the First National Church of Lovely Jesus can save you time and effort by doing the praise so you gets your own ways!

What are you waiting for? Just fill out our simple form and we'll do the praying while you do the playing!